what does it matter

a little butter colored butterfly

and when i was a child i am thinking of being in grade school when the absurdity of life was ever unfolding to me and has not stopped since, in a specific hallway of my school that denoted an aging i longed for, i remember wheeling the television into our science and social studies teacher's room and it was a black tv on a tall stand and they moved it around classrooms and they just turned on some news and it was exactly what you think it was and i cried at home later that day for loss of life i did not really comprehend.

but there is no memory of talking about, recognizing, discussion, recording, or warning of global warming. 

maybe in biology and ecology sections of the yearly science curriculum there was mentioned recycling, greenhouse gas and carbon emissions, the planet changing and the various ingenious species that were on the brink of disappearing. 

but not like, this. no walking around with a ticking clock hovering behind our minds. 

its leeched in. to the consciousness system. i think they want to make us brains because the work of undoing is too difficult. not because there are not blueprints, options, visions for alternative routes and methods but because have you ever tried to change a habit? it is like there is a rusted shell of yourself inside of yourself and you have to turn it on an axis to free it and move it and get it out. and the rust is welding parts of it to the parts of you you want to stay. it is exhausting to a point of pain and the pain of it is happening completely inside of your brain. 

changing a habit is endurance and endurance is not only reaching the threshold, but pushing beyond it and this picking it up and dragging it with you. and when you pass through the threshold your mind is pushed like play-doh, cold butter, through a cheese grater, a button pops and it is sweet relief only through the absolute unbearable endured. 

its quick and chosen way to evolution and people will avoid it in their individual lives at all costs; costs to relationships to happiness to sleep to the body to the creative force to pleasure to experience. 

and i keep, along with anyone who has ever attempted to write, draw, televise, evangelize, proselytize, repair, converse, plant a garden, recycle, put solar panels on top of their house, thinking there is some way. the way of physical change, choice based actionable change that applies directly to how we treat by way of using the planet earth, is not really mysterious. how well and how quickly it would work may yet to be seen. 

but the hope of some way is the way to change ourselves. to stop each of us being a singular standing looking outward from the self and thinking if only each one of you would feel more, do more, say more (or feel less, do less, say less, depending) than i would be able to be there with you. to do and not do alongside you. that some way is the way of making us decide together because being one wont work. we know it. and it is fruitless but also void of individual life experience to seek and be the change you want to see alone on this one. i can see why few are willing to give their lives to it. i am not, though in my heart or maybe it is my spleen or my bones or the well of my soul i feel i should be, giving my life to finding some way. 

it seems like if it is, if there is, it will be just a rock someone trips on. or they trip on a rock and get up and dust off and keep walking not knowing that under the rock was the answer and it maybe lies there and waits or maybe it seeps out into the ether. that one day everyone wakes up and they just know how to do it together. they just know how to stop going to work for awhile and make sure everyone gets what they need and walk the miles it takes to get where the people who pull the levers of greed sit and do whatever needs to be done to wrest them from their leather thrones and stop being invested in the TV and the car and the computer and the immediacy and be like okay. we are not sure what is going to happen and where we will go but we do know that we are not doing this *gesturing* anymore. and the logic of extraction and resource and human life as other from any other on the planet cannot even be recognized. it has evaporated from the atmosphere.

it would indeed be like waking from a dream. 

and we are all laying here, looking around thinking i am awake, why is no one else. and i cannot figure out what keeps us from realizing we are all awake already. this is no dream. it is no fugue and it is no mystery. it is also no secret since everything which distracts us from this reality, the TV and news and sounds and books and images, the dreams that pull us away, is saturated, dripping in the dye of crisis.